


Angel's can't get raped, right? Wrong.(continuation)

by FandomP0wer (P0werToTheFandom), P0werToTheFandom



Category: Supernatural
Genre: (Thoughts are in these things), Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Dean - Freeform, Gen, Graphic Description, Hunters gone wrong, Implied Childhood Sexual Abuse, Kidnapped Castiel (Supernatural), Multi, Nightmares, POV Castiel (Supernatural), Part 2, Possible Destiel - Freeform, Rape Aftermath, Raped Castiel (Supernatural), Sam - Freeform, Self-Harming Castiel (Supernatural), Sequel, Supernatural - Freeform, Traumatized Castiel (Supernatural), Understanding Sam Winchester, Worried Winchesters (Supernatural), castiel - Freeform, possible ooc
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-30
Updated: 2019-09-30
Packaged: 2020-11-07 21:43:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 15
Words: 10,512
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20824262
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/P0werToTheFandom/pseuds/FandomP0wer, https://archiveofourown.org/users/P0werToTheFandom/pseuds/P0werToTheFandom
Summary: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16677319/chapters/39108538(link to part one is above.)Dean tells him to go, and he does... right into the arms of two desprate hunters looking for the winchesters, and for a good time. When Castiel finally escapes he has been raped and is terrified. Experiencing the sudden loss of his abilities for some unexplained reason, and an oncoming major breakdown, he cannot decide what to do. Can he bring himself to go back to the winchesters, and Bobby? If he does, will they figure out what happened, or will he have to tell them? Will he stay where he is, and possibly bleed to death? Who knows, the light at the end of the tunnel just might end up being hellfire.FYI I stink at doing summaries.(Thoughts are in these things.)I'm not up to date on the happenings of the series. I have watched up to the fourth, almost to the fifth season of supernatural. So, the timeline is going to be off, bobby is alive, there are some quotes from later seasons in here. I can't really explain much more about it. If you read it, enjoy. If you don't, I accept your decission, and hope you find a nice story to read.Also there is the possibility that this is out of character.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Angel's can't get raped, right? Wrong.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/16677319) by [orphan_account](https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account). 

> I'm back, and this story shall carry on!  
(it's a long story on why I left to start with, we'll leave it at I'm back and yeah...)

"We're going to have to go back soon." Sam's voice is gentle, for which I'm grateful.

"I know..." Tension is thick in the air. Sam knows I don't want to go back right now, just as I know Sam needs to return to talk to Dean.  
"Dean really cares about you, you know that, right?" He catches me off guard.

"What?"

"Dean cares about you, a lot." He repeats his words.

"..." 

_ (I'm confused, why would he care? I've ruined his life, I ran away, I'm worthless and I don't deserve to be on the same planet as him.) _

"Let's return to Dean." My voice is small.

"Okay." Sam nods.

Swiftly, I fly us back to the Impala.   
Dean is sitting in the front porch of the cabin, my stomach knots at the look on his face._ Despair. _

_(Why is Dean upset? Did I do something wrong?)_

"Why don't you get in the car, I need to talk to Dean." Sam opens the door for me.

"Alright, thank you." I nod.

"Yeah." He forces a smile, and closes my door, before starting towards Dean.

While I know that the Winchesters don't hate me, there is this nagging voice in the back of my head that keeps telling me that they do. It tells me all the things I've done wrong, it tells me the bitter truth instead of the sugar-coated lies.  
The truth hurts, almost as much as the memories that accompany it.

_(Why do I think they care? They just keep me around because they feel sorry for me.)_

_(No, the Winchesters do care.)_

_(Do they?)_

_(...yes...)_

_(I'm so stupid. I need to wake up... wake up and smell Hell's flames, I'm not useful for anything but dragging them out of the pit.)_

_(Sam cares, he said so.)_

_ (Listen to yourself, you're like a child! People lie, you should know that, you lie all the time to your so-called friends.) _

I shift in my seat, uncomfortable with my own thoughts. It's as if I'm battling myself inside my own mind. To be honest, I don't like it.

_ (Look at yourself, you would have killed yourself by now if you weren't so weak.) _

_[I'm not weak, I'm just...]_

_(Just what? Just not strong? That's called weak.) _

My own thoughts mock me and I try to shut it out by thinking about something else, but to no avail.

  
_(Admit it, you are to blame for everything that happened to you.)_

(_No, that's not true...)_

_ (You can't argue with yourself Castiel, you know it's true.) _

(J_ust leave me alone.)_

_ (I'm you, Castiel. You'll never get rid of me.) _

The urge to use my angel blade comes down upon me. I'm itching to get rid of this voice, I can make it go away. I can... I just need to punish myself. I can make up for my sins, I must make up for them... I can... I know I can.

"Cas?" Dean's voice shakes my from my thoughts, I flinch slightly from surprise. Turning to look at the hunter I, I will myself to be strong.

"Hello, Dean." I can't meet his eyes.

_(Weak.)_

  
"I need to talk to you." Dean motions for me to scoot over.

"I'm sorry." Quickly, I move over and watch as the elder Winchester brother seats himself beside me. 

"Cas..." He hesitates, almost as if afraid to speak. "I screwed up, and god dammit I don't know how to fix it."

_(He means you screwed up.)_

  
"When I dragged you down here I thought for some fucked up reason that it was going to help... and I-." He pauses for a second. "I'm sorry, Cas, I screwed up and I know you have every reason in this world to hate me, to want me to take a hike off a cliff, you don't have to forgive me-"

"Dean." I cut him off, shocked. "I do not understand why you think I would hate you, you were trying to help... I am-" I ponder for a moment what feeling this is. "-uncertain how to explain how this has made me feel other than upset, but I do not hate you."

"God, I'm so sorry." Dean's face falls and tears enter his eyes. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Get us out of here?" I suggest, still shocked at how Dean thinks I would hate him. I love him, I could never hate him.

"Okay, as soon as I grab Sam." Dean gets out, closes the car door, and rushes off to find Sam.

  
_(It's my fault he thinks I hate him.)_

_(How?)_

_(Because.)_

_(Why?)_

_(Think about it, I'm a disgrace and told him that I hate him.)_

_(Oh dad... I didn't mean it...)_

_ (To late, what's said is said.) _

_(But I love him.)_

_ (Well, he's never gonna love me. I'm tainted, broken, I'm a failure and I'm never going to be worthy of him.) _

_(I know.)_


	2. Chapter 2

Dean returns shortly with Sam in tow, who looks like he's seen a ghost.

"Ready, Cas?" Dean opens his door and gets in.

"Yes." Simply, I answer. There is still a war raging inside my head. I wish I could stop it, but I need my angel blade... Dean has it in one of his bags.

"You ok, Sammy?" He turns to his little brother as he starts the engine.

"Yeah." Sam seems as if he's in a daze.

_ (It's your fault.) _

_(I wasn't even in there.)_

_ (But you're the reason why we're here in the first place.) _

"Shut up." I growl and clinch my fists.

"Excuse me?" Dean turns around and looks at me.

"What?" I tilt my head to the side in confusion.

"Did you tell me to shut up?"

"No, I was just... think out loud." I look down uncomfortably. 

_ (I must have lost some time, I don't remember us driving down the road.) _

  
Dean pulls the Impala over on the side of the road, putting the car into park and turning her off.

  
(Oh no... what did I do wrong?)

My body is tense as I watch Dean.    
He turns around and looks directly at me.

"What's goin' on in there, Cas?" 

"What do you mean, Dean?" I can't meet his eyes.

_ (Weak, you can't even look at him. You claim to love him, yet you can't even look at him.) _

I jump at the sound of a door opening. I look next to me and see Dean getting in the back seat next to me. 

"Take a hike, Sammy." Dean orders.

"Dean-"

"Now, Sam." His voice leaves no room for debate. 

Sam sighs in frustration, but does as he is told. 

(Dean is going to kill you, rightly so, you deserve it.)

A lump forms in my throat as I hear Sam's door slam shut and watch him stomp away angrily.

"Cas." Dean's voice is, surprisingly, soft. I glance at him for a second before looking at the carpet inside the Impala. 

_ (Burden. You keep whining your ass off about everything and then ignore everyone.) _

"Cas, look at me." He rests a hand on my shoulder; I force myself to look at him despite everything inside of me pulling me down and telling me that I shouldn't look him in the eye.

"Yes, Dean?" My stomach is churning at the thought of him being upset with me.

"Talk to me." His eyes betray nothing, his expression is soft, yet stern. I'm reminded of every reason I love him, and every reason why he should hate me.

"There is nothing to talk about." I try to stop whining about everything, and shake his hand off of my shoulder.

"Cas, I know something is wrong, we're not leaving until you talk to me."

We stare at each other, neither of us making a move, neither of us breaking eye contact. If this is a battle it is a battle of wills.

"I don't understand what is wrong with me." I'm the first to give in by looking away and speaking. "I can't- I don't- nothing is right... nothing makes sense..."

"You're recovering, there is nothing wrong with that." He presses his lips together into a thin line.

"My thoughts..." I shake my head, hesitating to speak my mind. 

"It's okay, I'm not going anywhere, Cas." 

"My thoughts keep reminding me of things, and I keep arguing with myself."

"About what?"

"About everything, I feel as if I'm weak for struggling, I feel as if nothing matters..."

"You still wanna kill yourself, don't you?"

"..." Silence is his answer, but it is answer enough for him.

"Cas," Dean pulls me into a tight hug, his voice breaking with emotion. "I can't lose you." 

"Why?" My eyes are filling with tears and I can't help but hug him back. "I'm useless to everyone."

"No," Dean pulls back, holding my shoulders firmly. Tears are streaming down his face. "You are not useless, you are fucking amazing and I don't think we could live our lives without you."

"I'm... broken." I struggle for words.

"We're all broken, Cas." Dean laxes his grip a nd looks sad. "We're all in this together, though, and we're not gonna throw you away like those dicks with wings."

"What if I make things worse?" Struggling to accept this, I continue to question him.

"We can always fix things, no matter what, no matter how shitty it seems, or how much the world has fucked us in the head." Dean nods his head with conviction. "Family don't end in blood, and we don't leave each other behind. We need you, Cas."

"Okay." I close my eyes and fight back all the tears that want to escape my eyes. 

"I'm here for you, Sam is here for you, we can find all the damn people to help you if you want us to, but goddammit I can't fucking lose you." 

That breaks me, a sob makes its way from my lips and I'm pulled into a tight embrace.

"It's going to be okay, I promise." Dean rocks me back and forth in the back seat of the Impala.

"I'm scared." A pitiful whisper makes itself known to his ears. 

"I won't let anyone hurt you, ever, again." He swears and hold me as if he could stop my pieces from breaking. 

If only it were that simple. I'm already shattered, and piece by piece, shard by shard, I'm falling apart. I crumbled a long time ago. and now there is nothing but rubble left. I'm disintegrating into a thousand memories of who I once was, only dust remains. A storm came through and shook all that stood... now I am left unable to stand, I'm alone in this god forsaken desert land. 


	3. Chapter 3

Once again, time with Dean seems as hours yet as seconds. 

Sam returns, alarmed by the tears staining our faces.

"Everything okay?" He seems afraid to come any closer, standing next to the rear passenger side window.

"Yeah." Dean clears his throat, gets back in the front seat, and shoots Sam a warning look as Sam gets into the passenger seat.

_ (What did I do wrong? Is he telling Sam something without me realizing it?) _

"Where we heading?" Cringing at the sound of my voice, I ask the Winchester brothers.

"Don't know." Dean turns on the car. 

_ (Guess we're back on the road, but where to?) _

"I vote we stop at a motel for the night." Sam yawns, making an obvious hint to his exhaustion.

"Any hunts in this goddamn area, Sammy?" Dean turns on the radio, tuning in to a news station. 

"What, no Metallica?" Sam sasses.

"Shut it." Dean turns the radio up louder.

"-The election results are in, our new governor is-" Dean cuts the radio off and rolls his eyes. 

"I was hoping for something interesting, not the whole election crap." 

"Well, it is-"

"If you say important so help me I will kick you out of this car onto your ass and leave you behind."

"Important." Sam glares at Dean.

Dean slams on the breaks, jerking everyone forward in their seats.

"Out, princess peach." 

"Dean, you can't be serious." Sam looks shocked at this turn of events.

"I warned you, out, Sam." 

"Dean." I tilt my head in confusion. "Why are you kicking Sam out of the car?"

"Cas, stay out of this." Dean's eyes are angry and every action he is making at this moment speaks to his level of anger. On a scale of 1-10 he's an 11 right now.

_ (I screwed up... what did I do to make him mad?) _

_ (You opened up and now he hates you and won't admit it.) _

"Dean." Sam snaps, looking furious. "Watch how you talk to Cas."

"Oh yeah, who are you to tell me what to do, Sam?" Dean shouts.

"Dean, I know you're in love with him, can you just admit it and stop being a-"

"Who says I'm in love with him?" Dean growls.

"Will you just do us all a favor and admit it?" Sam leans towards Dean threateningly.

"You've gotta be tripping on something because I am not in love with him!" Dean's words cut deep. I feel my heart break in half and feel like I'm going to cry. 

(_See, he doesn't love you.)_

_ (I know.) _

_ (Pathetic, useless, you really thought he would love you one day.) _

"I'm going to... umm..." I try to make my voice heard, but it's drowned out my the bickering brothers. 

Without further adue I fly away. Where do I go? 

I finally decide on a place... I fly to a place I swore I would never go. The cabin.


	4. Chapter 4

_ **I'm not in danger, I'm not in danger.** _

  
My mind keeps trying to tell me to leave, but I have to get something... there is still an angel blade in the cabin. I need to get it. I have to get it.

The floorboards creak as I walk through the cabin. The wind howls through an open window, and the cabin pops as it settles . 

_ ** I'm safe. I'm safe. I'm safe. ** _

  
A bloody hand print draws my attention to the wall. My stomach twists at the sight of it. 

_ "You know whose blood that is, Cas? Yours."  _ Dean's words echo in my head. 

I just need to get the angel blade and I can leave. Just get the angel blade...

One more step, then another. The room is right in front of me, but I'm afraid to open the door. I'm afraid that if I open it I'll find that I never made it out... that I'm still there and this whole year has been a dream. 

Come on, what are you, a baby? You got yourself into this situation, now get yourself out of it.

The door is quickly pushed open by my foot. 

As quickly as I can, I cross the room, ignoring the blood and the bed that would only bring back horrible memories. 

I pick up an angel blade and wipe it off on my pants. Slowly I draw the blade over my skin, relishing the pain that it brings. 

** THUMP **

  
My head rotates in the direction of the sound. Ever so slowly I make my way to the sound.  It's another room...

Steeling myself, I open the door. Blood and flashes of memory assault my senses as the door hits back against the wall.

_ "I know you want this." _

_ "God, so good." _

_ "Can't wait till next time, Angel Ass." _

Scrambling backwards, I crash back against a hard wall and try to take deep breaths. 

"Castiel, Castiel, Castiel." A voice tuts.

"Who are you?" My voice is shaking uncontrollably.

"I'm you." An angel steps out of the shadowed room, an angel that looks identical to me.

"Go away." My voice breaks as I push a sob back.

"I'm you." The angel takes another step closer. "The only way to get rid of me is to get rid of yourself."

"W-what?" I choke.

"I'm a part of you, and I know every little thought that goes on in that stupid head of yours." It comes closer.

"Stay back." I try to move but find myself stuck in place, unable to move. Be it from fear, or something else I don't know. 

"There's two sides to every coin." The angel stretches its neck and cracks it's knuckles. "Good and bad."

"And- and you're the bad side?" I'm confused.

"No, you are." It's eyes turn black, then everything goes black.


	5. Chapter 5

My eyes open slowly and painfully. 

I groan as I try to see what is around me._ Bloody floor, angel blade, walls- wait, Bloody floor?_

_ (Where am I?) _

Sitting up hurts very badly, but I do it anyway. 

_ (Where am I?) _

Paying more attention to the angel blade next to me, a wall with blood on it, I come to a realization.... 

_(Oh dad_ _ ... I'm in the cabin.) _

My wrists throb, I look down and gasp at the damage. 

Blood is caked on them and the amount of blood on the floor around me is surprising.

_ (What did I do?) _

Nothing is making sense, I can't understand why I'm still in the cabin.

What happened? I remember cutting my wrist, then everything goes black. Did I cut to deep?

Experimentally, I flex  my hand and gasp in pain when it burns.

_ (Definitely to deep.) _

_ (I should call Dean- No, Dean will kill me.) _

As if he could hear my thoughts, my phone starts ringing.

The 'caller id', as Sam explained it when I was confused about why it said peoples names, says Sam.

_ (Oh, No.) _

"Hello?" I answer it.

"Thank god, where the fuck are you?" Dean's voice comes over the phone instead of Sam's.

"I'm- umm..." This would be easier if it were Sam talking.

"It's a simple fucking question, where the hell are you?" 

_ (He's angry... what do I do?) _

"Cas?" Dean is yelling now. "Tell me where the fuck you are."

"I'm sorry." My voice breaks and I feel tears in my eyes. "Dean, I'm sorry." 

"Cas... what did you do?" His voice rings with an emotion I can't place.

"I wanted to feel better- and I-... Dean, I'm sorry." 

"Tell me where you are, I'm coming to you." His voice raises a notch.

"I'm tired." My voice sounds strange to me, and I can't understand why I'm telling Dean this.

"Where are you?"

"I don't know if I can keep doing this." My eyes close as tears travel down my face.

"You can do this." Dean sounds frantic now. "Don't you dare give up."

"I'm so tired." 

"Of what?" I hear a car starting in the background and Sam talking, but I can't understand what he's saying. 

"I just wanted to feel better- I didn't mean to-" I break down sobbing. "I'm sorry."

"Cas, god, please tell me you didn't hurt yourself."

"I'm sorry." I whisper, barely able to speak to the man I swore undying loyalty to. The man I swore to protect at all costs. I let him down, and it makes me sick with myself.

"I'm coming to you, just hold on, fucking hold on, I swear I'll kill you if you die on me."

"I'm sorry." I whisper once more before I hang up on Dean.

_ (You should just do it, he's never going to love you like this.) _

_ (Finish it, he's never going to find you.) _

** _ (Finish it.) _ **


	6. Chapter 6

_ ** (Finish It.) ** _

"Okay." I give into my dark thoughts. Maybe I should have done this a year ago. Maybe, maybe, things would be better if I had of never shown up in the first place. 

Bringing the blade back up to my already severely damages arm, I begin cutting once more. 

"It's my fault. Everything is my fault. everYTHING IS MY FAULT!" My voice turns into a heart wrenching scream, in retaliation for everything I've done wrong, I sink the blade deeper into my flesh. My phone keeps ringing but I ignore it.

As my vision begins darkening around the edges, I could almost swear I can hear a voice singing.

_ "Just give it one more try, to a lullaby _

_ And turn this up on the radio _

_ If you can hear me now, I'm reaching out _

_ To let you know that you're not alone _

_ And if you can't tell, I'm scared as hell cause I can't get you on the telephone. _

_ So just close your eyes,  _

_ Oh, honey here comes a lullaby _

_ You're very own lullaby" _

(Note: Make it known somehow that Dean was praying/singing this song to Cas.)

** Cold. **

As my senses return to me the first thing I feel is cold, and the second thing I feel is something pressing down on my arms.

My eyes open slowly after several tries, and what I see scares me .

"God, Cas, please, please don't fucking die." He is crying and is covered in blood.

"Dean, I got some more bandages" Sam's voice seems far away, yet so close at the same time.

"Dean." I whisper, his eye meet with mine.

"God, don't you fucking die on me." He cups my cheek and chokes down a sob.

"Dean." I try to raise a hand to comfort him, but find myself to weak.

"Sam!" He yells to his younger brother, who I now see standing over Dean.

"Hey, Cas." Sam's eyes betray fear. "We're gonna patch you up and get you home safe."

"No." I feel my eyes tearing up again. "No." 

"Yes, fucking yes." Dean snaps. "We are getting you home, and I swear to every fucking god and every other fucking thing that demands prayers that I am not letting you out of my goddamn sight."

"No." I shake my head slightly and feel sick. 

_ (No, I'm doing this for him... why is he trying to save me?) _

_ (Because he is pretending to care.) _

_ (Oh.) _

_ (You know he doesn't really care, he said so.) _

"Shut up." I squeeze my eyes shut and try to control my thoughts. 

"Sammy, we gotta get him out of here." Dean's voice is fading from my ears.

_ (Nothing feels real... What is going on? Where am I? Where is everyone-) _


	7. Chapter 7

"Cas, I know you can hear me." Dean's voice wakes me partially up, I'm awake... but not awake. I'm in the zone where you're kind of awake where you're aware of everything but can't do anything about it. 

"I'm so fucking sorry." he pauses. "I just- please forgive me, whatever I did... please I'm so fucking sorry." 

_ (No, no, you didn't do anything. Dean? Dean?! **Dean**!) _

"Dean, Bobby has an idea." Sam's voice makes itself known.

"I can't leave him." Dean sounds... afraid?

"He's alright, come on."

"No, I can't leave him alone."

"We have to figure out how to help him, don't you want that?"

"I want to know what the fuck I did wrong." 

_ (No, no, no... I did this for you, you didn't do anything wrong. Dean, please stop this.) _

"Cas has been having trouble, even before the rape." Sam's voice is soft. "I think that the rape just pushed him over the edge."

"It's been a year, Sam."

"Dean-"

"He told me he wanted to kill himself, you know what I did?"

Silence.

"Nothing, I didn't do a goddamn thing." 

"Then do something now, help us to help him."

"Alright." The sound of shuffling feet and a door enter my ears before silence once more takes over.

_ (Why does Dean blame himself?) _

_ (I'm the one to blame.) _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any advice? Criticism? Anything at all?  
I feel like I'm running this down hill, please, someone give me an outsiders point of view.
> 
> -Thanks.  
FandomP0wer


	8. Chapter 8

I was asleep, I know this because I'm awake now... I know that because I can feel the sun on my face and I can smell bacon and eggs.

My eyes open and I see that I'm in the room Bobby lets me sleep in.

_ (That was a horrid dream. I wonder what it means.) _

I sit up and groan when I feel pain in my wrist, I glance at it and see bandages with red bleeding through them.

_ (Oh. That wasn't a dream. I fucking fucked the fuck up.) _

"Oh, dad." I nearly scramble back at the revelation.

_ (Dean is going to kill me, Sam is going to kill me, Bobby is going to kill me. Oh, dad, they're all going to kill me. Fu-) _

"Cas?" The door creaks open and I jump, scurrying off the bed and hiding from my fate.

"Cas." The voice belongs to Sam.

"I'm sorry." I mutter, not looking at the tall man my brother likes to call 'Sasquatch.'

"Get dressed we need to talk." Sam doesn't hint at anything, he just leaves, closing the door behind him.

_ (They're gonna kill me.) _

After dressing myself, I fly to the kitchen. 

"Cas." Bobby greets curtly.

"Hello." I look at the ground and await my fate.

"Sit down." Bobby instructs, his face set in stone.

Wordlessly, I obey.

_ (That's why you're such a screw up.) _

"We need to talk." Sam sits across from me.

_ (You never think for yourself.) _

"Dean is outside right now, he'll be in before long." Bobby starts.

_ (You hurt everyone you come in contact with.) _

"Just kill me already." Anger courses through me and I slam my fist down on the table, cracking it from the weight of my blow, then flip it over and glare at the fallen table.

"We're not going to kill you-."(Sam)

"Calm the fuck down, Cas." Bobby and Sam both speak at the same time.

"Why not?" I stand up, tired of pretending that everything is okay. Tired of being tired. "I'm a failure, I have no use. Kill me, every single one of you have been biding your time for to long, get it over with."

"Cas." Bobby snaps.

"No, I'm done." My glare turns to the older man. "I tried to kill myself, I obviously can't do a good enough job."

"Cas." Sam sounds horrified.

"Kill me." I can feel myself becoming desperate. "I know about all of you, I could smite all of you in a second, I'm a monster."

"Castiel, stop it now, get it through your goddamn thick skull that we're not gonna kill you." Bobby matches my volume.

"Why not?" I feel the anger slowly leaving me, and I just want to keep it. Anger is better than nothing. "Why the hell not?"

"Calm down, now." He continues to match.

"Why the hell not." The anger keeps evacuating my being, leaving me with the same emptiness that I've nearly grown accustomed to.

"Calm down, a little more." Bobby brings it down a little.

"Why not." Finally I give in, and let the anger go. emptiness consumes me once more. 

"That's better."

"I'm gonna to go get Dean." Sam leaves without another word.

"Cas, do you know how close we were to losing you?"

"Not close enough." I hiss.

"Close enough that we were trying to find a summoning spell for finding an angel or some shit to bring you back from the dead." 

Two separate feelings rush through me. Guilt, and satisfaction.

_ Guilt because I hurt the ones I love. _

_ Satisfaction because I was almost away from this living hell. _

"Dean was ready to follow you to the grave." Bobby brings me out of my thoughts. "Do you hear me, boy?"

"Things would be better wit hout me." 

"Stubborn as a-"

"Cas!" Dean's voice pulls my attention away from the angry Bobby. "God, Cas." 

"Hello, Dea-" I'm cut off by Dean's arms being thrown around me, pulling me into a smothering tight hug. 

He lets go and holds me by my shoulders a t arms length.

"Don't you ever fucking do that again." 

"I'm sorry, Dean." For a moment I actually am. The look on Dean's face makes me hate myself even more. He looks confused, scared, and... and maybe worried.

"Sorry doesn't cut it." Dean's voice is stern. "You could have died."

"That was the intention." I say in a confused voice before realizing that that was the wrong answer.

"What the fuck were you thinking?!" His voice raises slightly.

"I'm tired." I feel like we've had this conversation.

"Oh what, let us help you before we fucking lose you." Dean blinks his eyes rapidly as if holding back tears. "I can't lose you, not again." 

"I'm just... I'm tired." I shake my head, unable to explain what I'm saying." 

"It's gonna be okay." Dean pulls me back in for a hug. "We're gonna make it, it'll be okay." 

"We need to work out a plan for next time Cas feels like this." Sam's voice is almost a whisper, but rings out loudly. 

"What I need to know if why the hell you idjits let him go off on his own again." Bobby is still angry.

"I left, why do you think it was Dean or Sam's fault?" 

"Because you are thick-headed enough to not give a fuck unless it's about them."

"Am I incapable of making my own decisions?" Righteous fury surges through my vessel. 

"Guys." Sam's voice is loud.

"Shut it, Sam." Bobby snaps, finally having had enough. "You boys keep coming back for help, but when you show up you give me hell when I try to do what I freakin' know how to do." 

_ (You pushed him to far.) _

_ (This is all your fault.) _

"Hey." Dean steps between Bobby and myself. "Will you two cut it out? We have too much going on right now to bitch about pointless crap."

I look at the floor, ashamed of myself.

"Cas, we're all worried about you and you won't tell us crap about what is going the hell on."

"I'm sorry, Dean." Refusing to look at him, I continue staring at the floor.

_ (How do we fix this?)  _

_ (How do we work this out?) _

_ (Is there even any hope left?) _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any advice? Please, I'm completely open, and I feel like I'm running the story down hill...
> 
> Thanks.  
FandomP0wer


	9. Chapter 9

"Why don't we start with what triggered Cas?" Sam suggests.

"Why not." Bobby is still angry.

"What make you upset and want to hurt yourself, Cas?" Sam turns to me, his voice gentle.

"I don't want to talk about it." I won't look at the younger Winchester.

"You talk or you walk." Bobby won't calm down.

"Hey." Dean grabs Bobby's arm and takes him to another room.

"Cas, would you rather just talk to one of us?" Sam takes advantage of the fact Dean and Bobby are in another room arguing.

I nod.

"Who do you want to talk to?" 

"You." My voice is small and I feel guilty.

_ (Weak, you shouldn't be such a baby. You should have just killed yourself and done things right. No one would have missed you.) _

"Okay, why don't i go talk to them for a second, we'll take a drive and talk." Sam smiles sadly.

Once again, I just nod, not trusting my voice to hold up anymore.

Sam disappears into another room to talk to Dean and Bobby, and I'm left alone with my thoughts.

_(You're not really going to talk to him, are you? He's only doing this because it's his job, he doesn't really care.)_

_(I know.)_

_(Then why bother talking to him?)_

_(I owe him.)_

_(Since when do you care about that? Why not just run off and finish things the right way?)_

_(Because I'm tired of running.)_

I'm getting no where with running, as much as I want to avoid it... it might be time to face the truth.   
**I'm not okay.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the short chapter, please forgive me this once. 
> 
> -FandomP0wer


	10. Chapter 10

"Okay, let's go." Sam comes back and we go outside.

"Dean's letting us take the Impala."

"Okay." We get in.

"Where would you like to go?"

I shrug my shoulders.

"Okay, how about a field somewhere?" Sam rubs his neck awkwardly. "Gosh, I don't know, Cas." 

"A field is fine." My voice is a whisper. 

"Okay." He turns the Impala on, and starts driving.

"Cas, I understand that you're scared... and I understand wanting to kill yourself." Sam glances at me. We're still driving down the road.

I just nod, keeping my eyes fixed on the road ahead of us.

"Dean and Bobby both care, they just don't know how to show it." 

Once again, I nod. 

Sam sighs, and we continue driving in silence. 

After several minutes Sam pulls into an empty field.

Turning the Impala off, we roll down the windows.

"Okay, there's no one here but us." He gives me his full attention. "Tell me what happened." 

"I don't understand- where should I start?" I avoid look at him.

"Start at the beginning, we left the cabin with Dean." 

"We left with Dean, and I was battling myself..." I glance at the younger Winchester.

"What- what do you mean battling yourself?" Sam looks confused.

"My thoughts... fight me." I explain the only way I know how to. "They tell me the truth, and it hurts."

"What kinds of things do they tell you?"

"I don't want to talk about that." I look away.

"Okay, we don't have to talk about that right now." He respects my wishes. "What happened when Dean made me leave for a little while?"

"I was upset, and I didn't understand my thoughts, Dean tried to help..." 

"Is that when you told him you wanted to kill yourself?"

"That was a long time ago, Sam." 

"But was that in the discussion?"

"He asked, I didn't respond." Honestly, I answer.

"Okay, what next?"

"You two were arguing... and I didn't..." I look at him, wishing I didn't have to tell him.

"It's okay, this is staying between us, Cas." Sam remains patient.

"Dean said he didn't love me." My face heats up and I clench my jaws. 

_(Stupid, you're whining like a bitch.)_

"You're in love with him, aren't you?"

I nod for an answer. 

"And when he said that, it hurt you a lot, didn't it?"

Once again, I nod. 

"What is it you're scared of, Cas?"

"What?" I look up in confusion.

"You have nightmares every night, and you started cutting again, I know it's tough, I've been there... but what is it you're not telling us?"

"Nothing." I look away.

"Cas, the only way to heal is to talk."

"Did Jess tell you that?" My words come across harsh, I didn't intend them that way.

"Yeah... yeah she did." He looks sad at the memory. "She also helped he heal, and I want to help you, but you have to talk."

Silence spans for several seconds before Sam speaks again.

"You don't even have to talk to me, you can talk to Dean, Bobby, anyone... but you have to talk, you can't keep all this crap in."

"Sam, what happened-" I bite my lip and feel tears in my eyes. 

"I knew what they were going to do, I knew it... but I couldn't stop them. I begged, and I fought. But...." I shake my head and take deep breaths. 

"I can't stop thinking what would have happened if I hadn't left you in the first place, what would have happened then?

"I hate them, but I hate myself for hating them... I can't think. I can't... I don't understand why I'm reacting this way."

"It takes time, it's okay." Sam doesn't touch me, but reassures me with words.

"In the cabin, I saw myself, and I said, 'there's two sides to every coin, good and bad' and I told myself that I'm the bad side."

Sam doesn't say anything.

"When I tried to kill myself, I thought that was it... I thought that once I was dead everything would be better. Everyone would be better without me, and that I could finally rest. No one would miss me, and I could just... rest."

"Cas." Sam licks his lips and hesitates a second. "I'm going to tell you something... when you hung up on Dean, he was scared. He was terrified, and he was trying everything to call you back, he was praying. He realized that you weren't going to answer, so he did the only thing he could think of." 

I look at Sam, wondering what he's telling me.

"He starting singing a song for you, and I swear to god he was crying... he's scared to lose you, Cas." 

"No..." I shake my head in denial. 

"Yes, he does love you, he just doesn't know how to tell you." 

"Really?" I find myself compelled to believe the tall man.

"I swear it." 

"We should be getting back, I have some apologies to make." 

"Okay." Sam starts the Impala and we start driving back to Bobby's house.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ... I seem to have made a liar out of myself, I have another short chapter... I promise the next will be long.  
I'm sorry, please forgive me once more.(You don't have to.)
> 
> -FandomP0wer

The Impala pulls up in front of Bobby's house, and Sam cuts the engine off.

"You don't have to talk to anyone right now." Sam tells me. "You can tell them you don't want to talk right now."

"I need to talk to them now." Anxiously, I make up my mind.

_(It's now or never.)_

"Okay," Sam opens his door, then pauses. "Cas, everything we talked about is going to stay between us, you know that right?"

"Of course, Sam." I tilt my head.

"Just checking." He smiles, then gets out. 

I join him and together we walk into Bobby's house.

"Cas." Dean meets me at the door. 

"Hello, Dean." I try my best to keep a solid expression, but fail as soon as my eyes meet him.

"I would like to talk to you and Bobby. "

"Sure, come on." He motions for me to follow him.

_ (Everything is going to be alright... I'm sure of it.) _

_(Dean will understand that...)_

_(what am I even going to tell them?)_

_(I did not think this through.)_

We walk into the kitchen and I see Bobby standing next to his broken table.

"They're back." Dean says in a rough voice.

"I can see that, boy." Bobby seems to be in a foul mood. 

"I'm sorry." I start, looking between Bobby and Dean. "I'm sorry I broke your table, Bobby, and I'm sorry I hurt your feeling, Dean."

_ (Is that a satisfactory apology?) _

_(Is it even one?)_

"It's okay, Cas." Dean hugs me. "You couldn't hurt my feelings to bad, you're my angel after all." 

I tilt my head in confusion when Sam chuckles behind me and Dean's face goes red.

"It's okay that you broke the table, but it better not happen again." Bobby seems to accept my apology. 

_(At least that is better.)_

"Cas, would it be okay id we talk for a minute?" Dean motions to the living room.

Nodding, I follow him.

_(What could Dean possibly want to talk to me about?)_

"Cas..." We sit on the couch together, Bobby replaced the bloodstained one with a dark brown one. A better choice of color for a hunter. 

"Yes, Dean?"

"I, god, how do I say this?" He chuckles anxiously. "I've been wanting to tell you something for a while now..." 


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here is the longer chapter I promised. I hope you guys gals and non-binary pals enjoy it.  
(Some of you will get the reference later.)

"I've been wanting to tell you something for a while now..." 

_ (Oh dad, I hope he isn't going to say he wants me to leave.) _

"Cas..." He starts again, looking unsure of himself. 

"Dean." I say his name trying to get his attention.

"Yeah?" He doesn't look at me.

"Are you upset with me?"

"No, hell, no." Dean looks up shocked.

"Do you want me to leave?" 

"No, fuck, Cas, why would you think that?"

_ (Because I would want me to go.) _

"No reason."

"Cas." He scoots closer to me, but looks back down. "Look, we've known each other for a long time... hell, we've both died and had our asses dragged back."

_ (What is he getting at?) _

"You don't have to be scared of me, ever..." He licks his lips and his gaze switches from the floor to me. "You can tell me anything, I'm always here for you..."

_ (But?) _

"Look, man, we need you." 

_ (But?) _

"I need you." 

A sense of vulnerability sets down on me as I hear his words.

_ (There is no but...) _

"Dean-"

"I'm not done yet." He says gently, but makes his point. "I yelled at you before, and I'm sorry. Shit, as, I don't know what I'm doing." he stands up, runs a hand through his hair, and paces the floors for a few minutes.

(Did I do something else to upset him?)

"I can't lose you." He stops pacing, his back to me. "Cas, I thought I lost you."

"I'm sorry, Dean." An apology seems to be the only logical response.

He turns to look at me. "I thought I lost you, and I couldn't get through to you- you ran off because I was being a dick." 

"Dean, it's alright." I try to reassure him. 

Standing up, I slowly walk over to him.

_ (What do I say?) _

"I can't lose you again." He whispers.

"You won't, I'm not going anywhere." 

"You freakin' tried to kill yourself!" His voice raises.

I flinch slightly. 

_ (I hurt him deeply.) _

"If Sam hadn't of found your cell phone's location or whatever the fuck he did you would be dead." He's gradually getting angrier. 

_ (Let him talk it out.) _

"You- you-" tears enter his eyes. "We almost lost you." 

"But you didn't." Softly, I point out. "I'm here."

"Yeah, but you almost weren't." 

_ (What does he want me to say?) _

"But I am." 

"You almost weren't." he refuses to accept that I made it.

"Dean, I'm here and alive because you and Sam found me." I take a deep breath. "Part of me is grateful that I'm alive, and I don't want you to tear yourself apart because you think this is your fault."

"I yelled at you..., Cas." His words slow down. A look comes into his eye that I see more, and more, often. Sadness. "If you had of died." He pulls his lips together tightly and holds back tears. "And, you  almost didn't come back this time."

_ (Is that what he's afraid of? He fears that I don't come back one day?) _

_ (What have I done?) _

"None of this is your fault." I rest a hand on his shoulder. "I did come back, because of you."

"What happens next time, though, huh?" He shakes my hand off and starts pacing again. "What if you don't come back?"

"Dean, I have no reason to leave." 

"Other than me." His face shows nothing but self loathing rage. "I told you to take a hike, and you got raped."

"It wasn't your fault."

"They were looking for me." 

"They didn't care if they found you or not." I feel anxious, but push it down for the sake of Dean.

"They raped you." He snarls. "And it's my fault."

"Listen to yourself." I cannot understand why he's blaming himself. "Did you rape me?"

"What the fuck, no, Cas, I would never-"

"Than it isn't your fault." 

"..." I can see it in his eyes, he doesn't believe me. However, he has stopped questioning himself.

"Dean," I draw his attention back to me. "If today were the last day we were to live, would you want to spend it hating yourself?"

"If it meant that you would be safe, I'd rot in hell."

_ (What?) _

"Look at the clock." 

"What?" He looks confused.

"Look at the clock." I tell him again.

He glances at it.

"Yeah, it's one in the morning, so what?" He seems frustrated.

"We survived." 

"What?" He still looks confused and frustrated.

"We survived, it's over now." 

"What's over, Cas?!" He snaps.

"The day, Dean, we survived." I explain.

He looks confused for a moment before he realizes what I'm saying. 

"We survived yesterday, focus on surviving day." He recounts a saying we heard a while back.

"Dean, it's not going to be easy, but we can make it." My words surprise myself, and Dean by the look on his face.

"Okay." He gives me a half-smile.

"Focus on today." I remind him, then I give him a hug. 

"Okay, Cas... okay." His voice cracks slightly with emotion as we hug.


	13. Chapter 13

"Cas!" Sam calls my name. 

"What?" I ask back. Dean and I are sitting on the couch, not making a move or saying a word. The most meaningful conversation can be the one where no spoken words pass from one to another.

"Come here. "He commands.

"Why?" I don't want to leave Dean's side. 

There are some moments that things are just... right.

"Just do it." 

I sigh and debate on whether to go or not.

"Come on, Cas." Dean give me a half smile. "Sam's not gonna stop hounding you until you go." 

"But I'm..." I struggle to understand what emotion I'm experiencing. "Here."

"Come on, let's go." Dean stands up, which makes me join him in standing.

We walk into the kitchen.

"What is it, Sammy?" Dean looks irritated. "This better be the most important thing in the world." 

"Grumpy aren't we." Sam rolls his eyes. 

"What is it, Sam?" I ask him. 

(I do agree with Dean... this better be important.)

"Bobby just got a call, a hunter that he knows just turned up dead." 

"Why does this matter?" Dean's voice is blunt and I cringe. 

(Bobby is not going to like his question.)

"Because a demon took him down." Bobby crosses his arms. "Nick lives in a demon proof bunker, we're talking iron everything and salt everything. Even the water is blessed."

"Sounds like he was on a hunt than?" Dean doesn't look interested. "Why does this matter?"

"He was in his bunker when they found him." Bobby growls. "Do you have somewhere better to be?"

"Yeah." Dean snaps. "I have a million things I could be doing, starting with helping Cas." 

"Nick was killed in a demon proof area and you're worried about Cas." Bobby shakes his head.

"Yeah, if you want us to help your dead buddy than tell us why it matters so damn much." Dean and Bobby are getting into an argument now.

"Don't argue in front of Cas." Sam buts in.

"Sammy, take Cas and bring me some pie." Dean doesn't break eye contact with Bobby. "I'll call you when you can come back."

"We better go, Cas." Sam urges me to go with him.

"No." I shake my head. "This needs to stop."

"What?" Dean and Bobby both look at me.

"Cas, we really should go."

"No, I'm not running anymore." I make up my mind. "I'm not leaving, you argue with me here or don't argue at all."

"Cas, go with Sam." Dean orders me.

"No." I set my foot down. "I regret leaving the first time, and I'm not doing it again."

"Cas, go." Dean's voice is getting sterner, no longer gentle as it was in the living room.

"No." My heart hurts from having to tell Dean no, but I'm done running. I need to get stronger. If they're going to argue they're going to do it with me here.

"Listen to him, we need to go." Sam is begging me to come with him.

"I can't, this has to stop." I want them to listen to themselves. "Bobby wishes for us to look into the death of his friend, why are we denying his request?"

"Because it's not important." Dean runs out of patience. "Why don't you go take a fuckin' hike?!" 

I stand there, his words stinging. His face remains tense and irritated.

(He doesn't regret his words this time.)

"What if a demon didn't kill him?" I turn to Bobby.

"That's why I want you hard heads to look into it!" Anger is written all over his face.

"Sam, why can't we look into it?" I turn to the younger Winchester.

"We can, but Dean-"

"You're not taking my car." Dean refuses to budge.

(We made a connection, things were better... did I ruin that?)

"Bobby, can I borrow one of your cars?"

"Gladly." 

"Okay." Sam nods. "Cas, go pack a bag, we'll go check into the hunter."

"Alright." I glance at Dean with a sorrowful look.

(I want him to come too.)

"Go on." Sam urges me to hurry.

I nod, and fly to my room.


	14. Chapter 14

Quickly, I gather some clothing for the next few days, and anything else I might need. 

(I wish dean would come with us.) 

I looks at the picture of us beside my bed. It's of the birthday party Sam and I threw for Dean.

_Bobby was on a trip, and he let us stay at his house while he was gone._

_ "Why do I have to wear a blindfold?" Dean asked as I led him through Bobby's house, occasionally bumping into things. _

_"It's a secret." I answered, smiling. I couldn't wait to see his face when he saw his party. _

_"This better not turn into a porno." His voice had a sarcastic edge to it._

_"Why would it, Dean?" I'm confused._

_ "Because- never mind, Cas." I ran him into a table. "Dammit, Cas." He snapped. _

_ "Sorry, Dean, we're almost there." I apologized.  _

_"What's that smell?" He asked suspiciously. _

_Sam and I baked pies for Dean instead of cake._

_"What smell?" Playing dumb, I finally lead him into the kitchen._

_ "Cas, take the blindfold off." He was tense. "I mean it, I don't like blindfolds, get it off of me."  _

_ "Okay." I took it off and when he opened his eye Sam and I yelled surprise. _

_"Sammy, Cas..." He looked confused. "What is this?"_

_"Happy Birthday, Dean." I gave him a tender hug. _

_"You guys did this for me?" He wasn't grasping it._

_"Yes." I nodded. _

_Sam handed Dean a small apple pie and a fork. _

_"Happy Birthday, now eat up." _

_"Who am I to argue." He started eating the pie as if it was the first thing he'd eaten in years._

_ "We bought presents." I felt awkward.  _

_ (How are you supposed to act at a party?) _

_"This is good pie!" Dean looked shocked as he finished the pie and looked for more. _

_"Cas made it." Sam rolled his eyes as he handed Dean another pie._

_"Thanks Cas." Dean set the pie down, and gave me a hug. "This means a lot." _

_He let me go and went over to Sam._

_"Sammy, thank you." He gave Sam a hug too, then returned to his pie and eat it just as quickly as the other._

Picking up the picture, I also put it in my bag. 

(I miss those days when we were closer... will we ever get back to then?)

My heart aches as I think back to he day Dean and I met.(Outside of hell.)

He tried to stab me because he was afraid... and I was a dick to him because I didn't understand human emotions... now I've rebelled for him and I wish that things were as simple as they were then.

Then, when I was given an order, I would obey...

Now... now I don't know what to do.

(Perhaps, I should return to heaven? Maybe they'll forgive me...)

(No, they won't... I killed so many of my brethren... and... I'm unworthy, tainted... I'm never be a true angel again.)

Zipping my bag, I then fly back downstairs to the kitchen. 

Sam, Dean, and Bobby are all there.

"I'm ready." My voice is calm.

"Change in plans." Sam looks smug, Dean looks pissed, and Bobby looks annoyed.

"We're not going?" I tilt my head in confusion.

"No, you're going." Sam fights back a smile. "But not with me." 

"With Bobby?" I glance anxiously at the older man.

"Nope, with Dean." Sam stops fighting the smile and lets it take over his face.

"With Dean?" I'm confused.

"Yeah, with me." He stands up, glares at Sam, then stomps out of the room.

"Did I offend him?"

"No, he's going to pack." Sam leans back in his chair. 

"Why did the plans change?"

"You two have a lot of talking to do, and stuff to work out." 

"...Okay..."


	15. Chapter 15

"Ready?" Dean storms angrily back into the kitchen where Sam, Bobby, and I, are sitting quietly at the table. 

"Yes, Dean." Standing up, take hold of my bag, ready to follow the elder Winchester.

"Let's just get this over with."

(Why is Dean upset?)

Silently, Dean leads me outside.

I stand awkwardly as he unlocks the Impala.

Wordlessly, he jerks my bag from my hands and throws it with his in the truck, slamming it closed.

I flinch at his anger, but get in the back of the Impala never the less.

"You got shotgun, Cas." His voice is low and laced with venom. 

"Okay." I get out, and move to the front passenger seat.

Moments later Dean gets in, slamming the door shut.

(Maybe this isn't a good idea.)

(Why did things change from me going with Sam?)

(I'm not complaining, I enjoy Dean's company... but I'm worried that he doesn't enjoy mine given his anger.)

He starts the Impala and  drives away quickly, speeding and getting increasingly faster.

(How do I fix this?)  
(I hurt his feelings somehow...)

My mind wonders back to times when we've refused to speak to one another for days, times when Sam had to lock us in together to get us to talk to each other... 

_"What do you want?" Dean's voice was sharp with bitterness. _

I had called him every name under the sun, I had cursed at him until I had no more breath to use... and He stood there and took it, and he took it until he had enough. Then he left, we hadn't spoken since then, until this moment. This was the first time Sam locked us in a closet together.

_"Nothing, I don't want anything." I remember being equally angry and bitter._

_"Let me out of here, Sam." Dean pounded on the door, wanting his to set us free._

_"Not until you two work things out, I'll be back in an hour." We heard Sam leave._

_ Dean and I sat on opposite sides of the closet, refusing to speak. _

_His eyes pierced into me when I started crying. _

_(Why am I crying?)_

_"Cas?" His voice was no longer bitter, but it sounded scared._

_"I'm fine." Anger is a secondary emotion as Sam told me one day, and if I were to look behind the anger... I would find what was really bothering me._

_ I was tired, I was sad, I just wanted things to be okay. _

_"No, you're not." He broke our unspoken feud, moving to sit next to me, he put an arm around my shoulder._

_"Go away." I tried to will myself to pull away and move, but instead I found myself pressing into his side, seeking comfort and safety. "Don't go." I whispered, finally breaking and admitting I wasn't okay._

_"It's gonna be ok, Cas, it's gonna be okay." He pulls me closer and hugs me tightly._

_ "I'm sorry." My sobs still echo in my mind.  _ I was so stupid... I should have held them back, I was weak... can someone kill me so I don't have to live as this embarrassment?

_ "It's okay, we're gonna be okay, Cas." He didn't move, he just let me latch onto his and cry. _

_ Sam returned later, and let us out, he wasn't surprised to see Dean and I asleep in the corner, as he informed us when he woke us. _

In this present moment, I can't help but look at Dean... 

(I wish we could turn back time to the days we were closer.) 

His face is still etched with rage, but his eyes have a sad feeling in them... 

(I want to fix this.)

I'm upset, and I'm scared Dean hates me.

_ My mind settles back in memories, the second time Sam locked us in a closet together. _

_ "I'll be back when you two stop being dicks." he left, slamming the door behind him. _

_ This time, Dean had kicked me out of the Impala during a hunt, he was angry with me, and I don't blame him really, I was being rude maybe... _

_We haven't spoken for a week, the only words from one to another were through Sam, who has then had enough._

_ "This is less than ideal." I remember being uncomfortable, Dean was seething in anger in front of me. _

_ "Don't even talk to me." His face twisted into something other than anger, but I wasn't able to identify the emotion. _

_ "Dean, I'm sorry for upsetting you." I apologized, not wanting us to continue on in anger any longer. _

_"Sure." He scoffed, looking away. _

_"What did I do to anger you?"_

_ "It's- just drop it, Cas." His voice lacked the anger that his face projected. _

_ "Dean, please." My hands reacted on their own, reaching up to touch his face gently, which caused him to look at me. _

_ "Cas-" His voice broke, and his face caved, anger no longer showed, all I could see was pain. "I'm not mad at you." _

_"Why are you angry then?" My eyes sought the answers in his._

_"Because." He looked away again, and I backed away a step. _

_"Dean, please, I want to make things better." _

_"Cas, it's been a long time-... I-... I can't explain why I'm upset, okay, this is something that I have to deal with alone."_

_ "You can tell me, I want to help."  _

_"No, you can't help, this is something that I need to deal with alone." _

_"Alright," I nodded, accepting his answer. "But, I'm here for you, Dean, and I will not judge you, no matter what it is." _

_ His face showed that for a second he almost confided in me, but in another second the look was gone and replaced with the fake confidence and expressions it always started with every morning. _

_"Thanks, Cas." He smiled, even though I can tell it's fake._

_(I know you, Dean... I wish you would tell me what's wrong.)_

Anxiety is starting to course through my veins at this point.

(What if Dean wants me to leave?)

(What if he hates me?)

(What if he tells me to leave and never come back?)

My mind keeps wandering to darker and darker thoughts of what he might do...

(What if he wants to hurt me, and... and...)

(He wouldn't... he might...)

I'm getting scared now.

_The third time we were locked in a closet together I was having the beginnings of an anxiety attack and Sam thought that Dean and I were having issues again._

_ (He would be a terrible therapist, locking people in a closet isn't the best option.) _

_"Cas, breath, he didn't know." Dean watched me rocking back and forth, trying to calm myself._

_"No, no, no." Was the only thing I could say, I couldn't breath._

_"Sammy, let us out, he's having an anxiety attack." Dean yelled, but Sam didn't come for us._

_ "Mmm." I curled in on myself, not wanting to think  or breath.  _

_ "Can you zap us out?" Dean aske d. _

_ "No." I motioned at the ceiling, it has a sigil that binds angel powers. _

_"That's sick." He shook his head in disgust. "It's gonna be okay, I'll break down the door." _

_ "No." I clutched onto him. "Don't go. " _

_"Okay." He just held on tighter to me. "Tell me about heaven."_

_"No." I don't want to think about heaven._

_"Tell me about dogs, or bees, shit, tell me about anything... we're gonna be okay, we just have to wait." _

_"Dean." I scooted into his lap, scared out of my mind and just wanting to run._

_ "Shh, it's okay, just breath." _

"I'm scared." _Tears were streaming down my face and I could feel my heart pounding in my chest._

_ "We're gonna be okay, it's okay." His voice had an odd edge to it, but at the time I was to scared to notice. _

_Together we fought through the anxiety attack, and after a while I was able to move from Dean's lap and sit next to him._

_"I'm sorry." I felt horrible._

_ "You have nothing to be sorry for." He patted my back. _

_"I'm sorry." I said again, unsure why I felt so sorry._

_ "It's okay, you don't have to be sorry." Dean put an arm around my shoulder. _

_"Why did Sam lock us in here?"_

_ "He thought we were fighting, sometimes you start yelling and being aggressive in the beginnings of an anxiety attack, he just didn't realize you were having one."  _

_"I'm sorry, whatever I said to you, I'm sorry." I'm horrified at myself, what did I say to him?_

_"You're fine, Cas." He smiled sadly. "We're gonna do a thing, okay?"_

_"What thing?"_

_ "If you feel like you're gonna have an anxiety attack you call me a swiftie, if we're fighting or not talking, or anything really, and it's messing with you, say that Sam's gonna find a closet for us." _

_"What if it's both?"_

_ "Say 'Sam's gonna find a closet, Swiftie'." _

_"Okay." I breathed. "Will you do the same?"_

_"Sure." He agreed._

"Dean." 

"What?" His tone is sharper than it has been in the past.

(What if he doesn't listen to me?)

"Sam is going to find a closet for us, Swiftie." I use our code words.

Dean glances at me for a moment in confusion, then it clicks for him.

(This is the first time I've ever code worded on him. I hope he doesn't hate me.)

"Okay, I'll gonna pull over, is that okay?" He looks worried, and checks with me before me pulls over.

"Yes." I snap unintentionally, my heart beating faster and I feel like something bad is going to happen.

Quickly, Dean pulls over and kills he engine.

"Talk to me, Cas." He gives me his full attention. "What's goin' on in there?"

"Don't hate me." Is the fist thing I say.

"Never." He shakes his head. "I could never hate you."

"I- I can't." I struggle for words and my eyes dart around from object to object wildly. 

"Okay, it's okay, breath." He hesitates to touch me.

"I can't." My lungs feel like they're full of water, and I'm scared I'm going to suffocate.

"Okay." He takes hold of my hands and squeezes them. "When I squeeze, you breath like this." He demonstrates. "Okay?"

I nod quickly, the panic inside of me raising.

"Breath." He squeezes and I try to take a deep breath, but fail, I'm left gasping for air and going out of my mind in fear.

"That's okay, try again, breath." He squeezes and takes a deep breath, waiting on me to follow suit.

Once again, I try, and I take a slightly deeper breath this time, but still end by coughing and shaking after a second.

"You're safe, it's okay." His voice is calm and soothing. "You're doing great." 

"I-I-I'm so-so-sorry." My voice stutters and I start sobbing. 

"Hey, hey." He gets my attention back on him. "It's going to be okay, just breath." 

I hum an okay and breath with him as he squeezes my hands.

Slowly but surely, I begin calming down, and my breaths become deeper.

"You're doing great." Dean doesn't show any frustration, all I can see in his eyes is calm.

I don't speak, I focus of Dean.

_1, 2, 3, 4, 5, breath._

"It's okay, you're safe."

_1, 2, 3, 4, 5, let it out._

"I'm here, I'm not going anywhere, you're safe." 

_1\. 2. 3. 4. 5, breath._

"It's okay, you're gonna be fine." 

_1, 2, 3, 4, 5, let it out._

"It's gonna be okay, you're doing fine."

**Author's Note:**

> I'm open to criticism and I'm open to ideas.
> 
> Thanks.  
-FandomP0wer


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